


Everything But The Kitchen Sink

by KrazySuperGirl



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batman is Annoyed, Bruce keeps pictures of his kids in his wallet and in his belt, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, One-Shot, Superman is curious, You know that one joke about a woman’s purse being able to fit everything but the kitchen sink?, slight angstifying at the end, that specific brand of old married couple friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:40:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26629927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrazySuperGirl/pseuds/KrazySuperGirl
Summary: Sometimes Batman has to reorganize his utility belt.
Relationships: Clark Kent & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 8
Kudos: 153





	Everything But The Kitchen Sink

**Author's Note:**

> Ladies and anyone else that carries a purse: everyone seems to like to joke about how we can fit everything in our bags.
> 
> I present to you, Batman and his utility belt.

Superman wanders into one of the Watchtower’s rooms to find Batman sitting at a workbench with various items scattered around him and his utility belt laid out in front of him.

“What are you doing?” he asks curiously.

“Reorganizing my belt.” is Batman’s short answer.

“Is all that really from your belt?”

Batman grunts an affirmative.

“You know, all these years, and I don't think I’ve ever seen everything in your belt.” Superman reaches a hand out to the belt.

“Don't…” Batman starts.

Superman’s hand touches the belt, and electricity crackles along the belt and up his arm. Fortunately, Batman hadn’t been touching it. “...touch that.” he finishes belatedly.

“Sorry.” Superman says, shaking off the remnants of the electricity. “That’s a pretty big shock. How did you ever fit a power source for that in your belt?”

“I managed.” Batman says curtly.

“Is this a Geiger counter?” Superman pokes a small device half the size of a palm.

“Yes. Stop touching things.”

“And…?”

Batman sighs. “And it detects magic, the Speedforce, and alien energy sources. It’s also a chemical analyzer.”

“I knew it.” Superman looks over the objects on the table assessingly. “Batarangs, smoke pellets, grapple gun, spare grapple gun. You have a lot of batarangs. How many do you even use?”

“In a month...about a thousand, give or take a couple hundred.”

Superman whistles. “And how much does that cost?”

“Before I started reusing them, it was several thousand per year. Now, it’s closer to a couple hundred.”

“It’s a miracle Wayne Enterprises isn't bankrupt.”

“Yes, it would be, if I was using their money.” Batman says with a glare.

Superman gives him an apologetic look. “Well it’s a miracle you aren’t bankrupt.”

“You’d be surprised how much properly managed finances can do.”

“Lucius Fox, I suppose?”

“I am capable of managing my own finances.” Batman says with a flat look, then admits, “...But yes, it’s mostly Lucius Fox.”

Superman gives a small mirthful smile, then goes back to cataloging Batman’s things. “Antitoxins, antivenoms, and antidotes. Somehow, I expected more.”

“I don't need all of them. I’ve immunized myself to several poisons.”

Superman nods. “What’s this?”

He picks up a small canister, and Batman quickly grabs his rebreather, then sets it down again when nothing happens. “Knockout gas.  _ Don't touch _ .”

Batman goes back to what he was doing after first confiscating the gas canister from Superman. Then Superman asks, “How many lockpick sets do you have?”

“Five.”

Superman raises an eyebrow, and waits for Batman to explain. After a moment, he sighs and explains, “One in my gloves, one in my belt, one in my boots, one in a pocket in my sleeve, and one in my watch.”

“What for?” Superman asks incredulously.

“Sometimes the criminals get smart, and they take off my belt, or my gloves, or my boots. And I need one as a civilian too.” Batman answers defensively.

Superman shakes his head. “Only you.” After a second, he says, “Is this a collapsible sword? Why do you have a collapsible sword? And how does that even work?”

“Don't ask how it works.” Batman says. “And it’s for when I fight Ra’s al Ghul. He’s always nagging me about how a proper warrior should have his own sword. But he usually provides a sword for me, and the collapsible sword just makes him extra angry, so I only use it if he’s really getting on my nerves.”

“Okay.” Superman says dubiously, and goes back to poking around the workbench. “Wire cutters, of course, and a fingerprinting kit. A blowtorch? And is that sealant? Do you really do that much mechanical work? And plumbing?”

“Sometimes I need to fix things.”

“A real jack-of-all-trades, huh?”

“Better than a master of one.” Batman quotes.

Superman holds up a five-by-five Rubik's cube. “For long stakeouts?”

But Batman says, “Riddler gets bored in transport.” He adds, “His best time so far is five minutes, forty-nine seconds.”

“And he just...borrows your Rubik's cube when he’s being sent to prison?”

“It challenges him.”

Superman raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment further.

“You’ve got a stack of business cards for the Head of HR at Wayne Enterprises, of course. And a mini camera. What’s in here?”

“Don't open that.” Batman warns, but Superman has already flipped open a pouch on the belt, the taser defense system disarmed by now, thankfully. The pouch opens to reveal a green glow, and Superman cries out and grabs the edge of the workbench to steady himself.

“I told you to stop touching things.” Batman says as he closes the pouch.

Superman groans. “Yeah, I should have expected that.”

Superman leaves to fly towards the sun and recover, and Batman has a few minutes of silence. Then Superman is back and saying, “You keep condoms, lube, pads, and tampons in your belt?”

Batman raises his eyes to the ceiling before answering, “They’re expensive. And there are a lot of kids in Gotham who can’t afford them.”

Superman nods, then starts poking through a pile of energy bars. He holds up a couple hydration packets. “Aren't these pretty small?”

“They’re for emergencies. Otherwise, there are bottles in the car.” Batman starts gathering up his stuff to put it back in the belt, grabbing the hydration packets from Superman.

Superman names some of the things he picks up. “Makeup and other disguise materials, extra communicator, trackers. What’s that?”

“Signal. Calls the bats to me.”

“Doesn't your communicator do that?”

Batman rolls his eyes. “Not those Bats, the bats that live in the Cave.”

“Bats as in flying rodents?”

“Yes.”

“So you control the bats.”

“No.”

“I mean, why do you want to call bats to you?”

“It’s been useful.”

“You mean it lets you be the goth drama queen you actually are?”

Batman pointedly ignores him. Then Superman picks up a small stack of pictures. “What are these?”

“Nothing.” Batman snatches them from his hands, but Superman has already seen the top picture.

“Are those pictures of your kids?”

“Harvey asks about them.” Batman answers defensively.

Superman asks incredulously, “ _ Two-Face _ likes to hear about how your kids are doing?”

“No.  _ Harvey _ .” Batman says sharply, and Superman drops it.

Then, “Is that a magnifying glass? Don't you have a more...high-tech version of that?”

“Yes.” is all Batman says.

Superman frowns at the non-answer, then grins. “You keep it for sentimental reasons, don't you?”

Batman doesn't answer, just puts the magnifying glass into one of the pockets on his belt. Then, a few minutes later, he sighs. His belt is full, but three things are still out on the table in front of him.

“Can’t fit it all in?” Superman asks. “What’s drawn the short straw?”

“Bat-grade shark repellent, dog treats, and flower seeds.”

“Dog treats.” Superman repeats. “Do you have cat treats too?”

“Yes, but those are a secret.”

“Why?”

“Because Catwoman wouldn't be happy if she thought I was encroaching on her territory.”

“And why do you have flower seeds?”

“They’re for Ivy. Last time we fought, she was talking about how there are several kinds of wildflowers that are endangered, and this seed mix has some of those species.”

“O-kay. Do you even use the shark repellent that much? Why not get rid of it?”

Batman gives him a look that’s almost offended. “It’s not just for sharks. And I  _ do _ use it.”

“For what?”

“It also works on crocodiles and alligators, piranhas and other fish, bears, lions, tigers, snakes, and raccoons, among others.”

“Crocodiles?”

“Killer Croc stole a whole bunch from some zoos so he could keep them in the sewers, but half of them were alligators because he couldn't tell the difference, and by the time I got them back to the zoos, they were all starving and sick from the pollution. I didn't like having to fight them.”

Batman starts pulling things out of his belt and rearranging them. Superman says, “Once, Perry joked that Lois’ purse could hold everything but the kitchen sink, but she said she hasn't been able to beat you for how much your utility belt holds.”

“I’m glad my talents are being recognized.” Batman deadpans.

“Maybe.” Superman says. “She still doesn't like you though.”

“Good. I was afraid you had biased her.”

“So, if someone likes you, it’s because of bias? You  _ are _ a likable guy, you know, when you’re not being all growly and obsessively controlling.”

“Normal people don't like me.”

“Your kids like you. I like you.”

“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” Batman quotes in answer.

“Fools and children speak the truth.” Superman counter-quotes.

Batman gives him a look and repeats, “Normal people don't like me.”

“It’s a good thing you don’t know any normal people then.” Superman says blithely.

Batman just rolls his eyes and continues rearranging the contents of his belt. Eventually, he manages to get everything to fit. Superman says, “So, is your belt all nice and organized now?”

Batman answers, dissatisfied, “It is arranged exactly the same as before. And nothing actually got taken out.”

“Well, at least it was a good refresher of what you have in there.”

“I don't  _ forget _ what I have in my belt.”

“It was a good refresher.” Superman repeats anyway.

Batman just shakes his head as he starts reattaching the belt.

**Author's Note:**

> Really, Clark. You should know not to touch Bruce’s things.


End file.
